Subject: REAL PROGRAMMERS - Real programmers are a figment of the imagination. - Real programmers detest candy-ass architects. Candy-ass architects won't allow Execute instructions to address another Execute. Real programmers despise petty restrictions. - Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean desk. - Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. - Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. - Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. - Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings of the object deck. - Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts, and look how much good it did them. - Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's bicycle breaks down he has a technician fix it. - Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is okay, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. - Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right down to the BARE METAL. Applications programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. - Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written in one line. - Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually no programmers write in BASIC after the age of twelve. - Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. - Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. - Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parentheses than actual code. - Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinky computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. - Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN. - Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get. - Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives. - Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping. - Real programmers never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental crashes, or bugs in their DNA. - Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night. - Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big. Subject: Real Programmers (TM) Rerun - Real programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. - Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. - Real programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. - Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food. - Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. - Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward. - Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hours debugging sessions. - Real programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation. - Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers. - Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night. - Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. - Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. - Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. - Real programmers know better than the users what they need. - Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot. - Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense. - Real programmers think better when playing adventure. - Real programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran. - Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. - Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code. - Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk. - Real programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer. - Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. - Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big." - Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded. - Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. - Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping. - Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions. - Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. >From: ph111-bx@violet.berkeley.edu Subject: Real Programmers Date: 11 Apr 90 06:47:34 GMT "Snarfed" from rec.humor from a few years back. A classic that this news group wouldn't be complete without. Real Programmers ... Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming. Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all. Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify. Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward. Don't use Cobal. Cobal is for wimpy applications programmers. Don't us Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reacter simulation. Don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobal and Fortran. Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty. Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code. Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories. Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night. Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk. Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer. Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big." Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded. Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping. Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions. Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. From: maart@cs.vu.nl (Maarten Litmaath) Subject: Re: REAL PRGRAMMERS Date: 12 Jul 90 18:56:41 GMT - Real programmers don't write specs -- Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. - Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. - Real programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. - Real programmers don't eat quiche. They eat twinkies, and szechevan food. - Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hours debugging sessions. - Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. - Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night. - Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. - Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. - Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. - Real programmers know better than the users what they need. - Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot. - Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense. - Real programmers think better when playing adventure. REAL PROGRAMMERS: (by various people) (note that these real programmers wouldn't be seen dead using Fortran!) don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward. don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all. think structured programming is a communist plot. disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk. don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation. don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written in one line. don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty. don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. don't use LISP. Only sissy programmers write more parentheses than actual code. don't use PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. don't use PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN. write programs that never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hours debugging sessions. know better than the users what they need. don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer. don't write applications programs, they program right down to the BARE METAL. Applications programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. detest candy-ass architects. Candy-ass architects won't allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise petty restrictions. scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big. don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense. have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives. never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental crashes, or bugs in their DNA. never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night. like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping. don't bring paper bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food. don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's bicycle breaks down he has a technician fix it. don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded. don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is okay, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. think better when playing adventure. are a figment of the imagination.