Noah's Ark 2007

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now 
living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has 
become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of 
all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of 
every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CATIA drawings, saying, "You have 6 
months to build the Ark before I will start the unending 
rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah 
weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, 
"I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have 
changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've 
been  arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a 
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have 
obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my 
garden because it is development of the site, even 
though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to 
then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a 
decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be 
posted for the future costs of moving power lines and 
other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the 
Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would 
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent 
trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live 
in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order 
to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the 
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the 
owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued 
me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals 
against their will. They argued the accommodation was 
too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so 
many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the 
Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark 
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on 
your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a 
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how 
many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my 
building team. The trades unions say I can't use my 
sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers 
with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my 
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country 
illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, 
but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish 
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and 
a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in 
wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy 
the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me  
to it."